I gave up drinking for a month, then tried to drink moderately. That worked until I drank an entire bottle of wine in one sitting.
Then I decided to go for two more months.
No problem. I was a great sober person.
So, I thought, hey, I can drink moderately, like a normal person.
That worked OK for a week or two.
Then it didn’t.
Last night, on my husband’s birthday, I was anxious and edgy because we had people coming for dinner. It was a hot day and I am still going through the withdrawal symptoms from coming off my antidepressant after 7 years. (Yes, I like a challenge.)
So, I had a beer while making dinner.
Then I had a glass of wine when the guests arrived and I started serving appetizers.
Then I had another glass.
Next thing you know, I’m on my third glass of wine (which is a lot for me) and I’m telling everyone, my children (17 and 14) included that I am pretty sure the lady who did my manicure is a hooker in the off hours.
My children are shaking their heads and saying, “Oh my god. Stop talking, mom.”
Our guests are lovely people and great friends and they were kind and sweet and laughed through all of my stupidity.
I wasn’t horribly, fall down drunk, but I was drunk enough to sit on my BFF’s husband’s lap and not see anything weird about it.
After they all left, I immediately felt terrible for drinking too much. I was embarrassed and posted on Facebook that I was a terrible person. (I deleted the post at 5 a.m. after reading a few very kind messages and realizing it was a very stupid, self-indulgent drunken thing to do.)
I watched some TV with my youngest before apologizing profusely to my ever-sweet husband and falling to sleep. I only slept for an hour at a time, waking up each hour in a state of panic and guilt.
Now, 24 hours later, I know I didn’t do anything horrible or awful. Stupid yes, but not earth-shattering or dangerous. My friends all laughed today and my BFF said she couldn’t wipe the grin off her husband’s face.
I know I’m lucky. My family is forgiving and they keep me safe from myself.
BUT, I also know I can’t deny it anymore.
Maybe I’m an alcoholic, maybe not.
What I do know is that I can be a terrible drinker. Occasionally I can drink like a normal person but when I fall off that wagon, it’s a hard fall.
It scares me to think I can’t drink anymore.
But it scares me to think that I might do THIS for the rest of my life.
I’m tired of THIS – the guilt, the anxiety, the shame.
I need to stop drinking.
Help?
Tags: addictions, alcohol, alcoholic, antidepressants, challenge, humour, moderate drinking, semi-sober, Sobriety, SSRI